Born in a log cabin, Geoffrey Stanton taught himself to read and write by candlelight. He was raised by his adoptive parents—a pair of ravenous wolves who had presumably devoured the cabin’s original tenants. By the age of sixteen, Geoffrey was adept at whittling tiny fantasy animals out of discarded wedges of Dove bar soap, salvaged from the dumpsters of a nearby insane asylum. With the help of a kind-hearted local photographer, Geoffrey put together a portfolio of his works, entitled “Someday the Hippogriffs Will Scrub Us All Clean”. He received a generous pity scholarship to New College of Florida, an elite liberal arts college Sarasota, where he pursued a major in Theoretical History. He moved to New York City in 2011, saying that being considered a Floridian was too undignified, “even for a feral madman, reared by the very beasts that murdered his birth parents”. Today he works creating content for Private Island Entertainment and spends his free time making angry collages out of old pencil stubs and salvaged rebar.
Emily Neeland is a fun-loving divorcée with no documented history of arson. She came upon her first computer in the nursing home where she was raised by her elderly mother (a record setter for oldest live birth at 62). It wasn’t until college that she learned this “box with the lights” served actual word processing functions, and was not merely a virtual Solitaire gaming device. Since then Emily has learned to weave intricate webs of ocular amusement through both words and pictures. Using this foundation of learnedness, combined with a tidy divorce settlement from her highly publicized marriage to a professional yacht-racing champion, Emily set forth for the bright lights of New York City. She left behind zero regrets and absolutely no record of any intentionally fire-damaged racing yachts.
Dr. Carter, Jr. is an American archaeologist, professor, part-time government contractor, adventurer, globetrotter, nazi-destroyer, and failed stay-at-home mom. A native of Princeton, New Jersey, Carter has been married twice and is notable for her trademark braid, tank top, impressive gun collection, and her fear of nothing. Internationally recognized for having recovered the lost Arc of the Covenant, Carter also fondly recalls freeing a village of enslaved children and recovering sacred Hindu stones. When she’s not globetrotting, Carter enjoys spending time at home repairing tumultuous relationships with family and friends.
David Stewart has a Ph.D in LOL. Mr. Stewart has been producing web content for over 60 years for Respected Web Institutions such as Tumblr. He continues his tenure to this day as a Net Guru and Fine Artiste for Private Island Party. His interests include: Fresh Haircuts, Nice Dinner, and PLUR (Peace, Love, Unity, Respect) and his dislikes include dillweeds, rudes and lames.