Film’s Top Ten Hottest Princessesposted on 1/21/13
If you’re like me, and I bet you are, you can’t think of anything sexier than a beautiful girl with a really rich and powerful dad. The kind of girl who’s so stunningly important that she’s always either off on an adventure or in need of rescue–maybe even by a daring young hero such as yourself. The kind of girl who could make your fortune with a smile, and destroy it with a frown. What you need, my friend, is a movie princess.
“But Geoff,” you’re thinking, “there are just so many movie princesses, and my Netflix subscription only lets me get 2 DVDs out at a time!” Well, calm down. At Private Island, it’s been our mission since day 1 to ensure that you never have to ogle anything but the finest in fictional royalty. With that in mind, we’ve compiled the DEFINITIVE list of the top 10 Hottest Movie Princesses for your reading pleasure.
So, hold on to your sword and shield, because without further ado, we bring you: Film’s Top Ten Hottest Princesses.
10. Ariel, The Little Mermaid
I remember watching this movie on VHS when I was just a little kid, and my older sister explaining that Disney made its princesses so knuckle-bitingly curvaceous deliberately, so that middle-aged dads could take their little sons and daughters to see these movies and have something that appealed them amidst all of the singing, dancing animals. Looking at Ariel, I definitely believe that. Actually, the only thing keeping her from making it higher up the list is that she spends fully one-third of that movie with fish parts on bottom. I don’t know if you’ve ever looked into how salmon spawn, but trust me, it’s not very romantic. Actually, what could have been going through sailors’ heads when they fell in love with mermaids at sea? What was step 2 of that particular plan?
9. Jasmine, Aladdin
Truly, Princess Jasmine is hotter than the Arabian desert. Between the long, flowing black hair and the fact that she has a Bengal tiger as a pet, it’s no wonder that Aladdin spent three priceless wishes trying to win her love. Think about it, he could’ve wished for pretty much ANYTHING–including enough money to buy a whole harem full of young women (the ancient Middle East isn’t exactly famous for its stellar women’s rights track record)–but he went the classy route and risked it all on a shot at true love. If that’s not enough proof for you, just look at her outfit. Is there ANY other princess that could look that hot in big poofy pants and pointy elf shoes!? I think NOT.
8. Aurora, Sleeping Beauty
Did you even know that Aurora was her name? I bet you didn’t. I bet you thought her name was actually “Sleeping Beauty”. Well, be embarrassed for yourself, because that wouldn’t make a lick of sense. Either way, Aurora’s got princessing down to a science. Think about it, she wins the undying love of a brave and handsome prince, and all she’s doing for most of the movie is just lying there motionless and unresponsive. Prince Philip slays a dragon for this girl and they don’t even know each other’s names. Come to think of it, can you imagine how disorienting this whole affair must have been for her? One minute she’s innocently working at the spinning wheel, and the next she’s being awoken by a man saying “Good news honey, the dragon’s dead, we can finally be married. I’m Phil, by the way.” She probably didn’t even know there was a dragon.
7. Vespa, Spaceballs
Spaceballs might’ve been a pretty goofy movie, but Princess Vespa was a SERIOUS hottie. You don’t meet too many women in this galaxy with the grace and poise of a royal heiress and the mouth and attitude of an interplanetary smuggler. Vespa’s a woman who can take care of herself, and she needs a man who can handle his blaster. Scruffy anti-heroes across the universe rejoiced when she picked the rough-and-tumble Lone Starr over that sedate pretty boy, Prince Valium.
6. San, Princess Mononoke
I hope you like your princesses covered in wolf’s blood, because I sure as hell do. For those of you who haven’t seen the film, San (Princess Mononoke) is a human girl raised by the wolf-goddess Moro, a protector of the natural world. She wages war against a nearby human settlement called Iron Town, whose industry is threatening the surrounding forest and whose deranged leader is on a quest for the head of the Forest Spirit. Despite her honorary title, I guess she’s not TECHNICALLY a princess, since she probably feels none too warmly toward the basic concept of a landed and titled aristocracy. Still, she DOES wear a little diadem thing, and her adoptive parents are kind of a big deal in the spirit-wolf community. Plus, the way she wields her knife and spear, she’s probably not the kind of lady you want to split hairs with over definitions.
5. Padme/Amidala, Star Wars (new trilogy)
The new Star Wars films may have disappointed a generation of die-hard fans, but they definitely stayed true to one core element of the original series: a really hot princess. Whether she’s dressed in the outlandish and wildly impractical attire of Naboovian(?) royalty or just hangin’ out pretending to be her own servant, Natalie Portman pretty much had my full attention for every second of her screen time throughout that whole trilogy. “But wait Geoff,”, you’re probably thinking, “Natalie Portman wasn’t even 18 when they shot the first Star Wars, should you really be calling her hot?” Yeah, well, I was only like 12 when that movie came out, so maybe YOU’RE creepy, but I’m definitely not creepy. Yep, you’re old and creepy and disgusting, and you should be ashamed of yourself. Me, I’m fine.
4. Neytiri, Avatar
So, I’ll admit that I wasn’t a huge fan of Avatar. Are you done throwing pens and crumpled-up post-its at your own computer screen? Great, I’ll continue. As I was saying, once you get past the close-range-shotgun-blast-to-the-face of visual effects, that movie basically has the exact same plot as Fern Gully. You know, that 90s cartoon about a logger who somehow gets magically shrunk and falls in love with a cute fairy girl who’s trying to protect the rainforest from… yep, the loggers. Still, James Cameron definitely made a smart move when he axed the Robin-Williams-kooky-talking-bat character and replaced him with a seriously smokin’ hot race of blue aliens. The Na’vi give a whole new meaning to the phrase “hard sci fi”. This is another one of those Little Mermaid situations, where you can’t help but feel just a little bit weird about finding these things so attractive… after all, what do we even know about their anatomy? Luckily, the adult toy manufacturer Fleshlight has taken it upon themselves to answer that question for you… check out their custom fantasy aid, “The Alien”, here (link NSFW). Figuring out what to do with that weird ponytail… that’s still left to your imagination.
3. Buttercup, The Princess Bride
You’ve gotta hand it to The Princess Bride, not many movies with such overwhelmingly girly titles can achieve the cult cred to be warmly lauded by men and women alike. Seriously, go on Facebook right now and post “Hey, who likes The Princess Bride?” Anyone who doesn’t like your status: unfriend them immediately, because they’re either blatant liars or, more likely, some sort of murderous time-traveling alien. And let’s face it, Buttercup is a major source of the film’s appeal–as if being drop-dead gorgeous isn’t enough, she pretty consistently kicks ass and takes names throughout the entire movie. Several of the women I spoke to while writing this article expressed their disappointment that she didn’t take the #1 spot on this list, and honestly, they’re kind of right. By serving as a kickass role-model to an entire generation of totally rad women, Princess Buttercup has done a lot more for me personally than the other nine combined. Still, it’s my list, and I’ll write it how I want. Haters gonna hate.
2. Leia, Star Wars (original trilogy)
Yep, you knew it was coming since you clicked on the link, and here she is: Leia Organa, the galaxy’s first femme fatale. Here’s a woman who doesn’t take an iota of shit from anyone in the universe. Despite her royal lineage, she feels right at home leading a rebel insurgency, gunning down Imperial thugs like some sort of sexy Che Guevara. And when Jabba the Hut tries to take her down a peg by dressing her in a skimpy slave outfit and chaining her to his throne, she goes ahead and straight up murders him with it. I’m getting chills just thinking about the poetic justice. I feel acutely embarrassed for the generation of Star Wars fans who spent two movies imagining themselves as Luke Skywalker, winning the heart of the lovely Leia, only to discover by the end of the trilogy that they were brother and sister. Actually, I feel even worse for Luke Skywalker, the only man in the galaxy who isn’t allowed to appreciate how intensely fine his twin sister is.
1. Princess Ann, Roman Holiday
I’m willing to bet that this one came as a surprise to you. Princess Ann is far from a typical movie princess, and Roman Holiday is far from a typical fairy tale. But for my money, you can’t get any better than a young Audrey Hepburn as a spunky royal daughter whose boredom with the pressures and rigidity of life in the public eye drive her to sneak away and experience Rome as an ordinary citizen. There she meets a charming reporter, Joe Bradley, who falls for her without knowing her true identity. (Come to think of it, Bradley meets her because she’s passing out drugged on a public bench. Let’s give ol’ Joe a round of applause for being a real stand-up guy; that movie could’ve been MUCH different if someone else had come along instead.) Though their relationship is ultimately impossible, they leave each other with warm memories and tokens of their undying affection, and the audience is left with the heart-wrenching sense that this could happen to me some day… I think that’s why this movie tops the list for me: rather than being locked away (both literally and figuratively) in an ivory tower somewhere, Roman Holiday brings the magic to your doorstep, imbuing the world with the sense that a lovely princess is just a chance encounter away. Plus, I have yet to see any compelling evidence that there has been any woman in the history of the world more attractive than Audrey Hepburn in her 20’s.
Well, there you have it, folks: Private Island’s authoritative record for the ages of film’s top 10 hottest princesses. Let’s all take a moment to congratulate me for not making any raunchy jokes about a “happy ending”, and make sure to stay tuned for more great top 10’s from Private Island!