Google Glass Turned Me Into A Dog!posted on 5/14/13
This past month has been an exciting time in the tech community. The highly anticipated Google Glass was released to a limited number of developers for testing and feedback. After entering a lottery to pay $1,500 for a first edition pair of the reality-augmenting specs, these techie gluttons are undoubtedly drooling over their recently acquired ‘view toys’.
These lucky developers are responsible for testing the usability of the Google Glass as a mobile device. So far, the response has been overwhelmingly positive, with the exception of a few minor complaints. According to our unnamed source at Google, there have been reports of developers who experienced some negative physical reactions to the hands-free device. Wearing the futuristic headpiece has apparently caused multiple cases of incontinence, with users being unable to make it to a restroom before lifting their leg and relieving themselves wherever they happen to be walking.
Another unusual side effect that developers have noticed is a loss of color vision in both of their eyes. They are reporting that the colors blue, yellow, and green are still seen, but all others have vanished. Night vision capabilities, however, have heightened substantially. Physicians familiar with the ongoing studies have noted that while the color blindness is both sudden and permanent, it may be worth the loss to own Google Glass because “those things just look so damn cool”.
The third, and by far most baffling of the side effects, is a change to the user’s speech pathology during the Google Glass trial period. Likened to a form of Tourette’s syndrome, those afflicted have been spontaneously emitting harsh guttural sounds similar to a dog’s bark. When people have attempted to remove the Google Glass from these individuals, the developers are said to bare their teeth and snarl with the ferocity of a rabid mongrel.
Due to the speech problems created by wearing the mobile device, the intended voice-activated map functions are unable to yield directions for the wearer. One developer’s spouse has found a simple solution to this snafu by creating the MyLeash app for Glassware. This app helps the loved ones of Google Glass users to track their movements and return them home safely. MyLeash is said to be in popular demand with the extreme likelihood of developers to become disoriented while fornicating indiscriminately with other Google Glass users in alleyways and vacant lots.
Disclaimer: This is article is a work of satire, all sources and names for this article are fictitious.