Mayans Predict Apocalypse By Giant Chicken

posted on 4/23/14


After being buried for close to 2,000 years in a secret cave located on the Yucatan Peninsula, ancient Mayan texts have been discovered with clues that unlock the mystery of a new apocalyptic prediction. The extraordinary picture of a fiery Armageddon led by a winged beast is one reason Mayan historians are clamoring to get their hands on these ancient artifacts. If authentic, this discovery could be renowned as the preeminent forecast for the End of Days.


Experts have no explanation for the new hieroglyphics

Archaeologists, historians, and scientists have been poring over the recently uncovered markings to determine what form this destroyer of worlds may take. These images depict a creature with long plumage, a fleshy crest on its head and hanging flaps of skin on either side of what appears to be a pointed beak. But the scale of this barnyard fowl is twenty times that of an adult human. Ornithologists assert that this may be a characterization of a Gallus Gigantis, or in layman’s terms, “Giant Chicken”


These cryptic warnings from the Mayans have raised concerns among those who note a startling parallel with recent scientific breakthroughs in genetic engineering.“While conventional breeding methods have long been used to produce more desirable traits in animals, genetic engineering is a much more targeted and powerful method of introducing desirable traits into animals”, according to the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. One of these “desirable traits” is more meat. More meat translates to bigger chickens. But how big is too big in the name of profit?


Deep inside their subterranean lair in Creve Coeur, Missouri, the good people at Monsanto (a multinational argicultural biotechnology corporation) have issued a statement denying any culpability in being the architects of the world’s demise. “We definitely do not have a giant chicken in our laboratories that is the size of a double-wide trailer. That chicken is definitely not growing larger by the day and it definitely does not shoot lasers out of its eyes that ignite carbon-based materials like kindling.”


Today, descendents of the Mayans speak of a mythological being called “Lord Cluck Cluck”. It is said that on December 21, 2013 the much prophesied deity will dominate the Earth and reign supreme over humanity until the sun burns out of the sky. These native inhabitants of the Yucatan have cultivated their own rituals praising Lord Cluck Cluck, which involve wearing ceremonial headdresses in his likeness.


Cultists in ritual garb.

As the apocalypse draws nigh, vegetarians are rejoicing. “Finally, people will understand that their carnivorous debauchery has consequences. Lord Cluck Cluck will have mercy on us salad-tossers and show those blood-thirsty savages what it feels like to suffer!” shrieked Percy VanWisp when asked for a comment outside his local organic food co-op in Portland, Oregon. Meanwhile, meat-eaters from all across the United States have gathered in Missouri to construct a giant rotisserie oven out of an abandoned airplane hanger.

Further reading: The Last Myth: What the Rise of Apocalyptic Thinking Tells Us About America

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