Scandal Report: Morris The Cat

posted on 6/18/13

Additional reporting by Jessie Carter


The World was shocked when Morris the Cat declared his bid for the mayor of Xalapa, the capital of Veracruz in eastern Mexico with a population of 400,000+. With rising crime and corruption, Morris ran on a platform of “Tired of Voting for Rats? Vote for a Cat.” but we’ve got the real scoop on this fat cat. Rumors have been swirling ever since Morris came on the political scene, but we here at Private Island Party have the real deal dirt for you newshounds. Our Anonymous sources in Mexico’s feline political circle reveal that Morris the cat was a huge Nip head in college and sent us these photos of Morris on a Nip bender:


Photo Experts agree that's definitely Morris in the center sprawled out on the floor going out of his mind.

Photo Experts agree that’s definitely Morris in the center sprawled out on the floor, literally out of his mind on nip.


Another shocking image from Morris the Cat's own home. Evidence of an insane drug fueled life, and extreme self-obsessed narcissism.

Another shocking image from Morris the Cat’s own home. Evidence of an insane drug fueled life, and extreme self-obsessed narcissism.


But it gets worse, there is no legal proof Morris the Cat was born in Xalapa or even Mexico, leading to Political Analysts wondering if he is a foreign outsider trying to grasp for power under everyone’s noses. Sources who remain nameless have suggested Morris’s personal life is more twisted still, images were leaked from Morris the Cat’s laptop which seem to show him dressed in drag, is this the kind of moral fortitude the people of Xalapa want for their Mayor?


Image leaked for Morris's laptop.

Image leaked from Morris’s laptop.


We reached Morris the Cat for a comment on this breaking scandals, but he lashed out at us and attacked our microphone. If he can’t be honest with himself, how can the citizens of Mexico expect him to be the “rat-catcher” he claims to be? We also have reason to believe Morris is completely out of control with his emotions; he has been reported yelling for food, scratching people, and erratic mood swings (which could be the emotional impact of years of nip abuse).


Morris the Cat enraged at our line of questioning.

Morris enraged at our line of questioning.


When asked her opinion on the political aspirations of the Morris the Cat, Princes Monster Truck, famed internet cat, said “Morris is a brave creature and he’s willing to walk the path towards progress. I think this will be a great step for Mexico.”

Princess Monster Truck at a brief press conference in Brooklyn.

Princess Monster Truck at a brief press conference in Brooklyn.


Lil Bub, on the other hand, is not so convinced. Bub simply stated, “Where’s the birth certificate?”

Lil Bub

Lil Bub


In conclusion, the citizens of Xalapa need to decide for themselves if this Morris is really the solution for their problems, is he really any different from the “Rats” he claims to catch, or he just another self serving suit serving for foreign powers, out to just get his fill of nip and get his back scratched. The scandals we have revealed here cannot be proven, but still the question remains, is a bad cat any better than a dirty rat?

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