The Legend of Shocksy

posted on 3/19/14


As April Fool’s Day looms on the horizon, unspoken terror has taken up residence in the feeble minds of senior citizens all over the nation. Every year on this day of pranks and revelry, there has been a significant spike in the death toll amongst the elderly population. Nurse practitioners and grieving relatives attribute this phenomenon to the change of season, but those in the octogenarian set have their own theories. Walking down the corridor of any given nursing home this weekend, one will hear the trembling whispers and hushed trepidation. “Shocksy,” they will murmur to each other, “Shocksy is coming.”

No one really thinks twice when old people die of “natural causes”, especially when that natural cause is heart failure. But what if these seemingly routine cases of bad tickers were actually the result of something much more sinister? That appears to be the prevailing explanation being circulated everywhere from shuffleboard courts and Ford’s Crown Victoria dealerships, to the far reaches of studio audiences at The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. The boogeyman called “Shocksy” has instilled a sense of impending doom within the decrepit caverns of these aging sacks of flesh.

According to popular folklore, Shocksy (who is definitely a man and in no way affiliated with the author of this article) murders his intended victims by means of trickery. It is said that he will use his diabolic engineering skills to create electrical shock devices that are deceptive in appearance. Shocksy’s high-voltage pranks may be relatively harmless to the able-bodied, but to a frail wisp of a human being not long for this world, his pranks are deadly.

Stories of a mysterious man emerging from the shadows to offer unsuspecting grandparents an electrified stick of gum serve as a cautionary tale for vulnerable targets. “Beware the cellular telephone,” they wheeze with frightened urgency. Shocksy apparently has been known to use cell phones, flashlights, pens, and even cigarette lighters to transport a fatal electric current into the body of his intended victim.

Safeguards have been put in place by superstitious relics who cower at the thought of Shocksy paying them an April Fool’s Day visit. This includes protective barriers of mothballs placed outside the doorways and window frames of residences, thought to repel the dreaded marauder with their pungent odor. While dismissive caretakers and next of kin attempt to assuage the fears of their doddering societal burdens loved ones by telling them there is no such thing as Shocksy, hysterical reports of strange men “standing outside” in residential neighborhoods have been flooding 911 call centers. Some might say these histrionics are exactly the sort of behavior that create an ideal “Boy Who Cried Wolf” scenario for if and when the real Shocksy decides to strike.

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