Ten Great Ways to Blow Your Tax Refundposted on 4/15/13
Well folks, it’s Tax Day here in the good ol’ U.S. of A. Sure, some of you out there are probably scrambling around your apartments, flipping over couches and emptying out drawers looking for last year’s ingenious hiding place for your tax information, or on Google trying to find a country where the sun is warm, the beaches are white and the extradition laws are very lax. But for the rest of us, Tax Day means that those big, juicy tax refunds are right around the corner. You know, that nice chunk of change that the government has been discreetly taking from you over the last arduous year of work, and has finally decided to (partially) return. That lovely wad of bills that you probably would’ve wasted anyway, on going out to eat or some new music on iTunes, or whatever. That gorgeous cushion of cash that you know you SHOULD put straight into your savings account but you can’t because FREE MONEY BRO!!!!
I can’t claim to be a fancy financial expert, but I AM certified Kickass At Life by the Willie Nelson Institute for Overall Awesomeness, and it’s my professional opinion that you’ve earned the right to blow that moola on something that’ll make you smile. After all, if money can’t buy happiness, how do you explain this guy?
1. Liquid Ass
I think it’s safe to say that whoever invented this noxious potion is destined to be the next King of Hell. Liquid Ass is ten times as foul as the worst-smelling stink bomb you’ve ever encountered, and infinitely more versatile. Daub a little bit on yourself and guarantee that you’ll always have a seat and ample elbow room on the bus; spray some on the front of your rival’s pants right before his big performance review, and leave your boss gasping for air and dying to promote someone whose crotch doesn’t smell like the sweatiest plumber’s crack in the continental United States; or just wait until you actually do shit yourself, and sheepishly present your bottle of Liquid Ass by way of explanation, explaining that it must’ve spilled in your pocket while you were saving a bunch of orphans from a burning bus. The possibilities are endless!
2. Bacon Wallet
If you’re like most Americans, you probably love bacon to an unhealthy degree. Well good news! With our stylish new bacon wallet, you can cross “sit on bacon all day” and “wrap money in bacon” off of your disturbingly greasy bucket list. Be the envy of all your sick friends as PETA beats you to death with picket signs made of recycled paper and salvaged wood.
3. Freud Therapy Ball
Let’s face it: you need help. Serious help. More help than your tax refund can buy you… until now! With the Freud Therapy Ball, the insights of the world’s greatest psychoanalyst are at your fingertips. It’s like a Magic 8 Ball with a Ph.D! Just give it a shake to start peeling back the layers of your fractured psyche. Maybe you’ll even figure out why you’re such a mess, deep-down (spoiler alert: your mother).
4. Mustache Mood Necklaces
Do you remember mood rings? I remember having one as a child. I’d check the color constantly, anxious for an update on my current mood, only to find that it was inevitably stone gray (‘Worried’, according to the little paper card that came with it). The mustache mood necklace has, if anything, the opposite problem: it’s pretty much guaranteed to always read ‘Happy’, because who could ever be sad while wearing such an awesome necklace? Even if your mom called to tell you that your old Sunday school teacher ran over your dog while high on bath salts, and oh by the way you’re adopted, you could just say to yourself “at least I still have Bertrand, my mustache mood necklace and best friend.”
5. Yodeling Pickle
A yodeling pickle… this one pretty much explains itself. Clearly a marked improvement over any non-pickled, non-singing vegetable.
6. Red Inflatable Sword
I know what you’re thinking… how’s an inflatable sword going to fill this ravenous void that’s devouring me from the inside? Well slow down there, champ. This isn’t just any old sword; this here is the first sword in the world. You can tell because it’s written right there on the handle… in English. Whether you’re a collector of fine antiquities or just a regular person stuck in some sort of Highlander-type nightmare, you’re sure to want this trusty inflatable blade in your collection.
7. Fundies: Underpants for Two
The conventional wisdom is that when it comes to sexy undergarments, smaller is better, but Fundies shot the moon. Instead of going small, they went big—big enough for two, in fact. Getting into your partner’s pants has never been easier! Fundies are perfect for intimate, romantic evenings of forehead-to-forehead, junk-to-junk closeness. You can even wear them to work…. assuming, of course, that you and your partner both work for the same strip club, and that your boss has a sense of humor.
8. Fake Lotto Tickets
If there’s anything funnier than seeing someone’s hopes raised and then cruelly dashed, I sure as hell can’t imagine it. Bosses: fake lotto tickets are a great way to find out what your employees really think of you! Never will an underling be more candid with a superior than when they think they’ve found their ticket out. Imagine the hilarious chaos that will ensue when they try to go back to the gas station where you “bought” the ticket and try to claim their prize! Friendships come and go, but security camera footage is forever.
9. Pig Mask
The phrase “bad acid trip” is bandied about a lot these days, but holy hell, just look at this thing. This is no courageous Babe, no hilarious Porky, no radiant whatever-the-pig’s-name-from-Charlotte’s-Web-was; seriously, this thing is too sinister even to be one of the Totalitarian enforcers from Orwell’s Animal Farm. Clearly, we’re looking at an animal that’s clawed its way up from Hell with a singular purpose; to even the cosmic score by consuming human flesh. Ideal for a daring daytime robbery!
10. Bullshit Button
If you’re like me, you’re probably plagued by the nagging suspicion that everyone and everything around you is complete and utter bullshit. Your boss, your dog, your landlord, everything on television… anyway, we’ve got an easy fix that’s a lot cheaper than your Zoloft prescription. The Bullshit Button combines the thrill of calling the world on its bullshit with the sheer apocalyptic joy of pushing a big red button. Hopefully someday they’ll make a model with an atomic battery so I can just keep pushing it forever without having to go to CVS for batteries, because lord knows that CVS is bullshit and batteries are bullshit and driving on the freeway is bullshit and… calm down, Geoff. Just keep pushing the button.
Bonus: 11. Unicorn Meat
Quit settling for horse meat! You’re a taxpayer, damnit! This fun little novelty comes complete with an adorably dismembered plush unicorn corpse inside. This charming gift is out of stock as of this posting, but keep checking back every time you’re reminded of your love of canned meat or your hatred of whimsical horse creatures. Guaranteed to make young children sob uncontrollably!