Top Ten Better Casting Choices For Batman

posted on 8/26/13

Okay, Hollywood. I get it. I see what you were going for with the whole Affleck thing. You wanted a face that was just begging to be punched. Fine. But if that’s the criteria, I think you missed the mark a bit. Ashton Kutcher is the pinnacle of face-punchability. The casting directors for the Steve Jobs biopic recognized this box office draw when they put him in the titular role. You see, we humans are a wrath-addicted species. Putting people like Ben Affleck or Ashton Kutcher on the big screen guarantees that audiences will be drawn to your moving pictures like hateful moths to a rage-inducing flame.

Another viable option for hatewatching Batman, would be to cast Will Smith in the lead role. This would be a double pronged approach that would necessitate the casting of his son, Jaden Smith, in the role of Robin. If you recall, people were really grinding their gears about that After Earth movie which Smith produced and starred in with his young scion. Nothing gets people all riled up quite like unbridled nepotism.

Sure, old “Crazy Eyes” Cruise might have sailed into choppy casting waters with his batshit Scientology zealotry. And yeah, maybe he would make a better villain with his authentic maniacal persona. But perhaps that brand of toothy grinned, tantrum-throwing bravado is exactly what the new Batman needs. Screw all that gravelly voiced, suffering in stoicism crap. Let’s see what happens when Batman stops being polite, and starts to get his thetan levels rising!

No joke here. It should have been Edward freaking Norton as the Dark Knight. What is he even doing these days? I mean, don’t get me wrong, he was great in Moonrise Kingdom as a vigilant boy scout troop leader. But I want to see the old, ass-kicking Norton that made a name for himself starring in brutal films like American History X and Fight Club. He would make an incredible Batman.

If anyone is overdue for an epic comeback, it is troubled child star Macaulay Culkin. He is kind of like the male version of Lindsay Lohan who somehow manages to stay out of legal problems with much more finesse. This gritty, world-weary visage might just work for the embattled Batman character. Also, it would be a great excuse for him to bulk up and put some meat on those bones!

Before you start with the “he’s too old” rebuttal, let me just point out that Steve Buscemi blew everyone’s freaking minds out of the water when he got that tasty gig as Nucky Thompson on Boardwalk Empire. If you had told me four years ago that Buscemi would be steaming up the small screen as a sexy, ruthless Gangster Boss Man, I would have laughed. But the powerhouse actor nailed it, just like he would nail the role of Batman with his snaggletooth sizzle.

Why not?

It’s like, what if Batman were a pirate, you know? Casting Johnny Depp as the Dark Knight would be a bold move. Depp brings to the table the sex appeal and eccentricity needed to portray this famous crime fighting renegade. Plus, all that eyeliner would add a real modern edge to whole thing.

Alright guys, it was fun while it lasted but this zany experiment of “casting other people as Batman who aren’t Michael Keaton” has gone on long enough. Let’s just stick to what we know works. Sure, he’s older now, but whatever. There’s CGI and whatnot that they could use to make him look just as he did in 1989. Like any good American, I have faith that our advances in technology will be able to compensate for our dearth of quality performers.

Literally anyone. You. Me. That guy at the bodega who cards you for cigarettes every goddamn time even though you are 25 years of age. Anyone. Here’s a fun idea: let’s just flip through the phone book and find someone whose name is actually Bruce Wayne! It’d be meta as hell.

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